Chip…WIN-tern’s Kitchen #2: Literally The Simplest Macaroons

- Posted June 5th, 2018 by

Hullo! Due to the Hoods succumbing to human bodily weakness, I’ve volunteered one of my staple baked good recipes – macaroons! (Note the two O’s – I’m talking about the coconut haystacks, not the pastel hamburgers.) While my friends know me most for my cookies, macaroons are my staple for when I need to show up somewhere and make an impression. They can be as simple or as complex as you’d like – this recipe is for the bare bones version, but feel free to get fancy!

Difficulty level:
Newb          |         Apprentice         |         Journeyman         |         Master

Prepare to get your hands dirty.

Musical Accompaniment

I usually cook to disco, but I’ve made an exception – since Pocaille keeps coming up in my life (he was at PAX East this year, and was featured on the PortaFM chipsynth album I reviewed), I decided I’d take some time to listen to some more of his work. It turns out that this set he’s uploaded syncs up pretty well with the amount of time it’ll take you to make these macaroons too, which is just sort of a happy coincidence. I haven’t thought about trance music in a looooong time, but it turns out it’s great for getting your brain in focus for baking!

Supplies

 

GATHER YE SUPPLIES

14oz shredded coconut, sweetened or unsweetened
1 small package of sliced almonds
1 pinch of salt
4 egg whites
3/4 cup sugar

WINSTRUCTIONS

  1. Preheat your oven to 325F. (That’s…definitely some temperature in Celsius.)
  2. Combine literally all your ingredients. It doesn’t matter which order you do it in, but put them all in. Use your hands. Get messy, mash that stuff around! But be sure to make sure it is COMPLETELY mixed, as incomplete mixing can lead to weirdness with the egg whites.
  3. Slap ye coconut lumps on ye parchment paper. You could use a tablespoon to do this, or you could just lump ’em manually.
  4. Bake for about 20 minutes – keep an eye on them, you’ll know it’s good to go when the outermost coconut flakes get browned. Keep an eye out for any of them that look like they’ve got ooze coming out of them – that could be egg white if you didn’t mix things well enough, or it might just be liquid sugar. Either way, it’ll be fine. The macaroons pictured below probably could have gone for another three to five minutes and gotten a little toastier on the bottom.
  5. BONUS OPTIONAL STEP: Once your macaroons have firmed up, you could melt up some chocolate and dip the bottoms in – this will make you look EXTREMELY FANCY and IMPRESS ALL YOUR FRIENDS. The best way to do this is to temper chocolate – do this by having chocolate chips in a shallow, microwavable container and by heating them up in small bursts (if you just put the chocolate in the microwave for a few minutes, it’ll burn). Try 30 second bursts and stir them with a spoon until it’s one big pile of melted chocolate. It’ll stay melted long enough for you to coat the macaroons – once you’ve gotten them all chocoriffic, take whatever you’ve put them on and pop them in the fridge to cool off. They’ll be ready to throw down your face-hole in about an hour.

And that’s all guys! There great any time of year. I make them for Passover, personally, but you could get a piña colada to pair with them and make them your newest summer snack or use your newfound chocolate dipping skills to prep some strawberries along with them for your next romantic endeavor.

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