Chip…WIN-tern’s Kitchen?: Cookies To Stop Your Heart(ache)

- Posted February 14th, 2015 by

What, you were expecting maybe Erin? No no, this Valentine’s Day, this is all me, and you and me are gonna have ourselves a good time with some cookies. Some chocolate chip cookies, and a bottle of Jack, and then I’ll get the bacon, and –

Alright, y’know, that’s just getting too weird. A master of seduction, I ain’t. Now, a master of cooking with liquor, well, that’s an entirely different story. Today, I’d like to bring you one of my absolute favorite recipes, one cobbled together from the internet and my own mind and one that I’ve kept a secret from all of my friends until this very day – my


Yeah, that’s right, go back, read it twice, come on back. I got the idea for these cookies a long time ago, back when I was hooked on Epic Meal Time – you can see the inspiration bleeding in, of course. While chocolate chip cookies are pretty standard across the board (I know, I’ve looked at too many recipes), the addition of candied bacon and Jack Daniels really make this cookies something. So whether you’re getting ready to share these with your sweetheart or just want something else to do with that bottle of Jack today, get ready to throw down.

Difficulty level:
Newb          |         Apprentice         |         Journeyman         |         Master

It’s easy to burn the bacon if you’re not paying attention, but the rest is quite easy.

A cookie sheet
Parchment paper, because tin foil burns the bottoms and you will be sad
Tin foil, exclusively for using with the bacon
1 pkg thick cut bacon, either plain smoked, or brown sugar cured
1/2 cup each white and brown sugar, plus lots more brown sugar for the candying process
An egg, for these trying times
About five shots of Jack Daniels (more, if you intend on drinking and baking)
One cup chocolate chips – I recommend these. You want these to be good, right?
1 and 1/4 cups all purpose white flour
1/2 tsp of baking soda

Musical accompaniment:

You get two albums this time: Famifood, because funky chiptunes named for foods, and the second because cooking with liquor is \m| METAL \m/.

Illustrated guide:

Step Zero: Get your stuff!


First, candy your bacon! If you’ve ever seen Epic Meal Time, you’ll know how this goes. Prep your cookie sheet with tin foil, lay down your bacon strips, and take a handful of brown sugar and just sprinkle it right on there. When you’ve finished, be sure your oven is prepped and heated to 400F.


Pop those babies in for about ten minutes. At the ten minute mark, check them out, flip them over (I recommend using tongs), maybe wiggle them around in the brown sugar/grease mixture which has formed, and then sprinkle down another (lighter) layer of brown sugar.

Check them again in another five to ten minutes. Assuming all is well, they should be good and coated – so take the pan out, get the bacon off the cookie sheet, let it cool for a minute or two, and then chop it all up. Don’t worry, you can eat a few slices – there’s enough bacon there to do what you need it to and still sample it to make sure it’s not poisonous. Y’know, for everyone else’s safety, of course.

While you’re waiting on the bacon, you can go ahead and start making the dough. Warm up your butter, because unless you’ve got a nice Kitchen Aid mixer, creaming it is gonna suck. Combine warmed butter chopped into pats with the white and brown sugar, cream together. If you’re having trouble creaming it, add a shot or two of Jack Daniels to speed the process along


Sift in the flour and the baking soda. Add the egg and at least another two shots of Jack. If you’re having trouble mixing (I like to do this by hand, personally, and it can be a pain) you can add another shot or two of Jack, but really no more than about four shots total per batch. When that starts mixing well, add in the chocolate chips and the bacon bits.


When you’ve got the dough thoroughly mixed, it’s time to bake! Take your oven’s temp down to 325F, prep your cookie sheet with parchment paper (be sure to dispose of your bacon grease safely! Skin grafts are zero fun.) Scoop out spoon-sized blobs and shape them into balls, as best you can. If you messed up and made the dough too wet, you’ll have sticky dough, and it won’t ball up too well – but that’s okay, since that’ll lead to larger, if flatter, cookies. You’re going to be tempted to go for really big scoops, but I can assure you, you will experience regret if you do this – tiny scoops is all you need, unless you want a cookie pancake.


These are actually too big even – go for about half the size of these.

Check on your cookies in about 15 minutes – I cook with electric heat, gas ovens may heat differently. Plan accordingly. If you spaced them right and sized them right, they should look like this!


And there you go! Now my secret is out, and while I’m a little sad to not be the most special snowflake under the Sun, revered by all for these godly cookies, it means you guys can go make your own and I’ll actually get to EAT mine the next time I make some, and honestly that’s worth it.

Stay safe out there kids! Whether you’re spending the day alone or with your special someone (or someones), have a great day. Treat yo’ self. Have some cookies.


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